Printer Vomit And How To Look Classy In Today's Slutty Fashion

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am launching my new store on Etsy, Knot What She Seams, this Saturday and I am super busy. Saturday happens to be the second to the last day of the month....I would have done March 31st, but it's Easter. I would have done April 1st, but I didn't want my store to be associated with the idle cares of April Fools day. (For those abroad, this another stupid United States holiday that has no merit or meaning....kindly disregard!). I also couldn't open on April 2nd or 3rd, as my older (minor) child has state exams in school. Ugh. I see many psychotic episodes in my near future (stress worsens his Bipolar II disorder).
Thus, March 31st is the holy grail of a day to commence my store opening.....and now you are none the wiser in my nonsensical ramblings and can further understand why my family hardly ever contacts me. ;P

In the midst of becoming a new grandmother for the very first time (is that a double positive or improper English?!).....UGH!....I am finding myself also busy with selling the remaining stock of my last Etsy shop, Far Out Sprouts (who knew closing a store would make sales jump through the roof?!). If any of this matters to you, by the way, you can kindly become a new fan of my Facebook page. Warning: I have a weird family too....and even though I hardly ever use Facebook for personal means, that's the only way my family cares to communicate with each other. Maybe this is why I am hardly ever on Facebook! (all of my store updates, blog stuff,etc is automatically updated to Facebook so I don't have to mess with any of it....or see the new tattoo my ex boyfriend has, or see the new body piercing my 14 yr old has, or the guy my 15 yr old beat up and was suspended from school from....or the uber marijuana joint one of my kids smoked last night...or the new horse and buggy my Mennonite sister got yesterday from a religious-dorks-flea-market bonanza......you get the picture!

I am uber-stoked about my new store and hope it is as successful as my last. I think it will be because I am now selling FAMILY apparel, not just kiddie stuff. I am also selling my home decor my baby sister (who has a Mercedes model horse and buggy from  the Yuppie-Mennonite-Are-Us store) strongly encouraged me to sell. Ok, let's see if this works. The last time I took my yuppie Mennonite sister's advice, I married a guy I met online who used me as a baby machine AND turned out to be a cross dressing homosexual....so I am always leery now to take anyone's advice!

I also have been buying and/or downloading fabulous sewing patterns like a mad woman lately in hopes I can further my sewing techniques coupled with this sewing machine that does everything except clean my house and make coffee. What a tragedy it would be if I didn't use all of it's bells and whistles!!!

That leads me to my primary reason for writing today....hope you haven't gone into a coma yet or clicked off this page yet..... :/

My printer is awesome. It's almost as awesome as some of the clothes I have made for myself lately. But it has a plug...and that means I can ruin it or break it or it can self implode. I get a lot of printer vomit here and there. My husband isn't so happy about it either....after all, the real kind of vomit sends him to his car so he won't instantly vomit himself (I'm glad he didn't use me as a baby machine because that's all babies do....vomit and poop!).

Enjoy, for your viewing pleasure, what I'm talking about below. This is printer vomit. It's of this FANTASTIC pattern I bought from ikatbag.....here's the link of her patterns. Not only does she have the best patterns ever, and quite worth the price, but she answers her email at stupid times of the night and doesn't laugh at you for your outrageous mistakes (my computer decided to have early onset dementia and "ate" the pattern link for the PDF file I purchased from her). At least I don't think she laughed at me.....

Here is the pattern I got (OMG, I can't wait to get the fabric for it!!!!!!!)....

...and here is what my printer did to her pattern...... :O

look closely....closer, yes, that's like 5 copies of EACH PAGE PATTERN!

....and more on the floor because not all FIVE COPIES of each page fit on the queen size bed!
BTW, the floor is gray, not poop brown....I swear!

As Dana Carvey would say, "Ain't That Special?". (OMG. Dana Carvey is like a funny version of my my middle sister, the Mennonite OG--Original Gansta--,and my mom!!!).

I am still trying to figure out (beyond the obvious) why I have printer vomit a lot.....my printer needs an excoriation?????

Onto my second reason for posting today....if you are still with me and able to follow my train of thoughts....which regularly derail and stop to refuel......:P

Today's fashion. WOW. I'm not going to harp on it like the Wednesday night Bible study lady at my church does with everything on this planet. Let's just say that lady is like an abstinent version of my sisters and mom.  This lady really, REALLY needs to get laid and take a chill pill......but I digress. I love sexy clothes, looking hot, and fortunately because of my mom, I still possess these fine traits even as a grandmother who is almost 40 years old. But come on people.....I am not going to expose myself even if my new hubby does like me wearing revealing clothes....even outside the house. So what does one do if they are a novice sewer like me, or worse, doesn't sew at all, and don't belong to a nudist camp?! You buy the slutty clothes on the retail rack, go home, chop up the outfit, and hope it actually looks good and fits. That's what I did to the number below.....

the shirt is hanging well below the table because it was rather long

Meet Ms. Swimsuit Coverup. As a coverup, she posses more fabric than the average slutty ensemble on the market today. I love the fabric too. You can't get enough polka dotted knit and if I were to buy it from the fabric store, I wouldn't get this much of it for $9. Polka dots are so hot right now, the fabric stores are having a hard time keeping it in stock and it's pricey too....at least in my secluded corner of the earth!

But Ms. Coverup has a downside....she has NO chest covering. I mean, it's as if this coverup only covers you lower torso and your butt. Hmmmmmm, I need some chest coverage here no matter what look I am going for and for whatever reason i am using the outfit!!!! And folks, I must be the milkman's daughter because unlike everyone in my family on BOTH sides, I am flat chested. So if your slutty outfits you are selling doesn't cover my speed bumps, you need to seriously reconsider the clothing you're selling!!!!

I took the coverup and tried it on...without children present so they wouldn't vomit (here we are talking about vomit again!). I discerned where the shirt will end at my hips and chopped off the bottom. This gave me PLENTY of fabric to play with....like half a yard!

the slutty mu-mu is now shopped in half nearly with the bottom  half gone....

I recreated or copied the top band that had pretty ruffles...the main reason why I loved this shirt. I just took my chest measurement, compared the shirt's measurement in the chest, and made more of that ruffled band to cover up my chest. The ruffled band, by the way, fit in the width, but NOT the length. So, I had to ADD fabric to the top of the shirt so what little I have doesn't fall out and greet people. Seriously, it was waaaay more than just cleavage!

Again, I am just copying the ruffled band and adding the copied panel to the top of the shirt so it appears as if the shirt was made with a longer bodice/breast panel/chest part. It was simple because it is knit. I got ballpoint needles for my sewing machine, threw on that gathering presser foot (or ruffler foot if you are fortunate to have one), and gathered along the fabric. I placed the gather fabric onto a flat, non-gathered panel in horizontal rows...I think I had like 3 or 4 rows. Above you see the original chest/bodice band with black elastic thread running horizontally. I didn't have that color elastic thread (where do you buy it??) so I used my white elastic thread...as you see it towards the top. From the front you will not notice. It all looks the same. You can't see where my added panel starts and ends!

I tried on the less slutty mu-mu that is not really a mu-mu now that it hits my hips. It now kinda reminds me of  maternity sleep shirt the Kardashians would wear. :( I have their bodacious ass size, but not the money or the breasts. Time to go back to the sewing machine and shirr that waistline. Mr. Little HATES me wear anything maternity looking!

This was very simple. Again, hand winding the bobbin (keep the top thread normal thread!!!) with elastic thread, and marking the two or three rows of shirring I wanted right under my chest (empire waist), I just sewed right along those lines. With shirring, you must sew with the front (right side) of the fabric facing up, or looking at you while sewing. That way the elastic thread is under the fabric on the wrong side. This will be quite an unsightly project if you don't do this! My top thread was black so you can't see the thread....just the shirring effect. I also had my tension on 2 (I don't even know what it goes up to, but auto is normal sewing and 2 does the trick--and then some!) and the stitch length at 4.5. Normal stitch length for a straight stitch on my machine is 2.5. Again, with knits, you just don't have to work hard on getting it to ruffle. Often it likes to ruffle even when you don't want it to!

I tried on the shirt and admired my work. Sorry, the 10 yr old was NOT interested in taking pictures that day. I promise you it looks stinkin' FABULOUS! I'm so impressed with myself....I had gotten a disappearing fabric marker and marked where my tiny cleavage "crack" was and decided that was where the shirt would come up to. It actually worked! The shirt met the top of my cleavage PERFECTLY! And yet, I don't look like i am joining a convent either because the shirt is still rather low for many people's tastes.

The 10 yr old did help me pin my ruffled straps. I had leftover fabric and didn't like this shirt sleeveless. This is NOT a good idea if you are flat chested and have children young enough that they tug on your clothing and OOPS! Your cute little speed bumps fall out as the shirt is pulled down by your little one. :( (big sad face!).

These straps are more decorative than functional so I didn't mind them loose enough to fall down on my shoulders.

8 inch by 4 inch fabric strips that didn't need to be hemmed as it is knit.....here they are after ruffled with elastic thread (four rows of shirring short end to short end)....

what they looked like before shirring

The ten year old didn't have an issue pinning the straps to the shirt where my bra straps were. (of course, I will be wear a strapless bra with this shirt, but I wore the strapped one to help the kiddo know where to pin). The 10 yr old very much likes girls and has begun to show interest in all things females wear/use like bras. UGH. We are starting puberty early!

Anyways, that's how you make a slutty shirt classy and fabulous. You will see much better items in my new store. I promise I am carrying clothing for women that have real boobs, not speed bumps. I know I am a freak of nature and most women need clothing that fits curves. :D

Thanks for not passing out with the long post! 

Upcycling Old Shirts To Trendy Fabulous Blouses

I have lost at least 30 pounds due to my dental complications and surgeries. The excruciating pain, cost of having a dentist rip stuff out of your mouth, and the smell of abscesses building up one after another is just no fun.

Additionally, having everything in your closet and drawers not fit you whatsoever and not being able to buy a new wardrobe is aggravating. I do have a new sewing machine. Though I don't have any experience in making adult clothes, I figured this was a golden opportunity to learn how. Plus, if I screw up, it's not like I ruined someone else's clothes!

Here is one of the old blouses of mine....I love the material still but gosh it could fit an elephant. Was I really this big?!

I had erroneously believed the shirt was a peasant style blouse too....but when I took a closer look at the neckline, I realized that was not true. This meant it would be harder to take the extra inches out of it's neckline. (My plan was to yank some elastic out of the neckline...)

Taking out inches from the flat seam parts wasn't an option with my novice sewing skills! So I had to work with the gathered sleeves/neckline part and take out elastic from there. I ended up taking out two inches of elastic from each side. I carefully seam ripped out the casing beforehand and then inconspicuously sewed up the small section of ripped out seams afterwards. Turned out perfect. However, now the sleeves are VERY poofy! Oh well. Maybe this will become a new fashion trend. :P

I tried this elephant blouse on and got my pins out and pinned all the way down the sides to reflect how I wanted the blouse to eventually fit me. This wasn't an exact science. I had watched my mom, who is a professional tailor, do this a million times. However, I had no clue what I was doing! :D I didn't take a picture of this step because it was hard enough to pin a blouse to my own body much less take a picture of myself. You should have seen the odd looks my 4 year old was giving me too!

 The above three pictures reflect the side seams being pinned. I ended up taking up two inches from each side through the chest (right under the armpit) and one inch from each side at the bottom where the blouse hits my hips. I needed this blouse to still fit loosely so I can fit it over my head still and it drapes nicely still. I figured these measurements would give me an Aline blouse which is flattering on anyone. I'm not sure what the original blouse shape was suppose to be.....military tank? Bloated elephant? Obese person 3 days post-mortem (i.e post-mortem bloating)?! We will never know.

I ironed the shirt on the sides where my pins were. This gave a nice crisp crease all the way down. Then, I took the pins out. I then got the blouse inside out and observed those pretty creases as a guideline to where I need to sew my new side seams. I'm sure there's a better method of taking up the sides. However, I was taking in a shirt I had to alter on myself. That's not easy no matter what mad skills you possess.

As I was reflecting on how awesome and crafty I was, I realized that those poofy clown sleeves had an armpit two inches away from my new side seam. :( In case you are not following me, this meant I would have  a gap between the armpit and the new seam. I would need to close it up before I eventually cut off the access material I took in! Either that, I would need to sew a new side seam for the sleeves too. Ugh. The sleeves were already weird in my opinion. I didn't want to make them weirder with my lovely sewing skills.

I concocted an idea that I would just angle the old armpit to the new armpit and then sew down the sides of the blouse where that ironed crease was. man I'm brilliant. :P

The arrow is pointing to the ironed crease I am following after making an angled armpit. Ignore Mr.Pin. He's just there to make the slippery fabric not dance away from me. This is the type of fabric that likes to do the jitterbug....even with ballpoint needles. :(

Now I have sewed all the way down the blouse....neat,straight seam and the blouse is laying nice and flat. Yea! Time to cut the excess fabric off and then serge or overlock those seams. Even though this blouse will still fit loosely, i wanted to use a stretch stitch because I knew I would be moving a lot in it....i am a very active person with wild children. :P

WARNING: ugly pictures of me coming up next. Please take your elderly family and young children away from the computer screen. Some material may be offensive to some audience members. :P

So obviously it's nearly impossible to take a picture of yourself even with a mirror. I promise you the blouse looks awesome, symmetrical, and professional....I don't know how i pulled it off! But, I decided this blouse still needed something a bit more interesting. Plastic surgery wasn't in my cards :D so I went with black lace. You can NEVER go wrong with lace! And, fortunately for me, it's super popular right now!

I wound my bobbin with some elastic thread too and shirred just a small portion of the sides so now it has a slight upwards direction on each side and gives the appearance that my waist is even smaller. This is a great idea for anyone to do to their DIY fashion projects so they can instantly "lose" 5 pounds! Even if you shirr just one side, it gives visual interest and draws the eye away from your pudginess.

Next time I will show you what to do with one of a jillion slutty shirts that seem to be hitting the store racks lately and make it into something you can actually wear to church, your conservative in-laws house, or your hyper-opinionated mom's house (although she can't say "you're not wearing that to your dad's funeral?!" anymore because the poor guy finally died!).

Happy sewing!

Adult Chemo Cap For Lady At Church Pattern/Tutorial

I have just joined a small ladies class that meets on Wednesday nights at my church. I haven't gone to my husband's church for very long. However, I've quickly come to the conclusion that the regular adult class my husband goes to is taught by a dead guy who is resurrected just on Wednesday nights. :( Yes, it's that lame and boring! I am NOT a Texan hillbilly but i don't understand his auctioneer pace of speaking either. In order to "survive" Wednesday nights, I boycotted his class and went to the ladies only one.

"My" class is invigorating and involved. The teacher reminds me a lot of my little sister who is also a church teacher. They have the same style of lessons.Apparently one of the members has advanced cancer and is on chemo; obviously laid up in a hospital somewhere. I don't know her but I deduced she is a very beloved lady as there wasn't a dry eye in the class as they prayed for her the other night.

They are having a small, private "hat drive" for her. Cancer is a disease that has personally and intimately affected me throughout my life. Not only have I cared for many cancer patients throughout my 17 years of medical professional experience, but I have had MANY family members with cancer.It seems my family does three things very, very well....get cancer, get pregnant, and collect ex-husbands. :D (I am right on track with two of the three!). It wasn't all too long ago we were having funerals back to back, one after another after another. I was extremely close to all my recent lost loved ones.

I can't afford to buy this stranger a hat, but I have a bedroom full of fabric! (much to my husbands chagrin) As soon as I heard of the hat drive, my face lit up and hat patterns immediately began to dance wildly in my head like tap dancers on crack. Oh the embellishments! The colors! The fabric!

Just one thing as reality hit me (after I blurted out I would be making her a hat)..... I don't have a sewing machine anymore.

Worse, i have NEVER hand-sewn before. I would probably jack the outfit/hat up so badly that it looked like a kangaroo had sewn it! :(

I immediately went home after church and began going through all of my filing cabinets and large plastic totes (I call them coffins because of their color and size) of fabric. I grabbed several hat patterns....but given I didn't have time to alter them up to an adult size ( I have primarily sewn for children), I threw out the patterns. A brilliant idea popped up in my head....that nice hat my ex-husband got me one year (I also got an  unplanned baby that year....but I digress). It took me "forevah" to find the dumb thing that I rarely wear (mostly because it reminds me of him). I decided to use it as a pattern template.

Here is what I came up with....

However, I decided not to use fleece at the last minute because the fleece I had on hand was a bit juvenile (again, because I usually make clothes for children). Given I don't know this lady,have never met her, and don't know her ethnicity or age (makes a HUGE difference when choosing fabric colors and hat styles), I went with fabrics that were as conservative (and the least juvenile!) as possible.....here's my "collection" along with the aforementioned hat I used as a template.

I don't know why my pictures were so blurry today!

The only difference with the rogue drawing I made (above) was that I decided to use a circle piece for the top so it would look more like a bucket hat than a beanie. (why does chemo have to be unfashionable??!) See? My hat has a circle top too....

Too bad I don't have this lamb's skin fabric and suede for her hat!

Here's me trying on the lining (white, boring flannel that will feel good against delicate, bruised skin) of the hat before I sew it together.... I wanted to make sure it would actually fit an adult head. :(

And now the outside piece of the hat.......

Aren't I so gorgeous at 8 in the morning?! Grab your trash can in the event you feel nauseous! (My husband thought I looked like a sexy college girl but I think he's just saying that so I will wash his jeans....) I realized at this point that I am aging faster than my mom....in fact, I now look older than her! UGH. No more pictures of me from now on!

Then I put the lining inside the outside layer. I did a gathering stitch around the circle part so it will have a pretty ruffled look at the top (way more feminine than a harsh straight edge). No seams will come in contact with her fragile skin this way.....

Pretty embellishments cover up the hideous hand sewing that I obviously can't do well......

You think she would like metallic confetti on her hat???? :D kidding!

I'll stick with the white jersey knit I gathered into a ruffle and attached to the middle of the hat all the way around......it's soft and pretty....the goal of this project.

Maybe I'll get this done sometime today.....(bring on the Spongebob Squarepants for my 4 year old!)....

(he seriously was having way too much fun entertaining himself on this day. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him playing with the empty laundry baskets and making pirate faces at me. I grabbed the camera. I'm convinced he will be a wealthy actor someday!

Maybe I will even make it to my lunch date with my friend today......

Maybe not....(spoiler alert: I didn't. It took me two days to make a silly hat by hand!)

Oh well, lets cram more embellishments onto this hideous thing..... (at least it's not a turban! How hideous are they??! No offense it you actually like them....my beloved great aunt was buried with one....she looked like a Middle Eastern genie.... :/ )

I mean, the only thing worse than having cancer is wearing a hat like this.....

....or this....am I right?!

I have this super yummy, luxurious black lace that's very soft, silky, and stretchy. At 4 inches wide, it comes at $8 a yard. :O So, it comes as no surprise that I only get it on the rare chance it is in the remnant section of the store. I had a little bit of it left and sacrificed it to put on her pretty hat. It made the most sexiest bow! I know her hubby will adore it on her!

yes, that's a head between my legs :P

.....and there you go! So easy (?) even a kangaroo can make it!

UPDATE: I learned after making the hat that the lady is my age with two young girls. I muttered and complained throughout the project just how unfair it was that I didn't have a sewing machine to make this thing in just 1 hour. (and imagine how much better it would have looked!) So, imagine how bad and guilty I felt when i learned from my friend (whom I had had lunch with) that the lady got bad news about her liver cancer test results. She was immediately flight lifted to a big city cancer hospital a few hours from here. It doesn't look good for her. :( I immediately dropped my funky hat and cried and prayed and thanked God I still have my hair, my health, my life, dead squirrels in the walls (another blog in of itself!), and the best husband/kids ever.

I told my friend that giving the lady this hat made me feel like i was showing up to a starving tribe in Ethiopia riddled with AIDS with a teaspoon of salt. My friend assured me that the hat was awesome. She had made a prayer shawl for a lady not long ago. My friend saw all of the mistakes and faults of her "ugly, too small, crooked shawl". However, as she related, that lady was not the type to compliment anyone....and yet she cried with happiness to have the shawl. Honestly, as long as the lady with cancer doesn't throw my hat in the trash, I will be thrilled. I also hope God knows how thankful I am for what He has blessed me with.

Happy creating!