Friday, March 29, 2013

Printer Vomit And How To Look Classy In Today's Slutty Fashion

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am launching my new store on Etsy, Knot What She Seams, this Saturday and I am super busy. Saturday happens to be the second to the last day of the month....I would have done March 31st, but it's Easter. I would have done April 1st, but I didn't want my store to be associated with the idle cares of April Fools day. (For those abroad, this another stupid United States holiday that has no merit or meaning....kindly disregard!). I also couldn't open on April 2nd or 3rd, as my older (minor) child has state exams in school. Ugh. I see many psychotic episodes in my near future (stress worsens his Bipolar II disorder).
Thus, March 31st is the holy grail of a day to commence my store opening.....and now you are none the wiser in my nonsensical ramblings and can further understand why my family hardly ever contacts me. ;P

In the midst of becoming a new grandmother for the very first time (is that a double positive or improper English?!).....UGH!....I am finding myself also busy with selling the remaining stock of my last Etsy shop, Far Out Sprouts (who knew closing a store would make sales jump through the roof?!). If any of this matters to you, by the way, you can kindly become a new fan of my Facebook page. Warning: I have a weird family too....and even though I hardly ever use Facebook for personal means, that's the only way my family cares to communicate with each other. Maybe this is why I am hardly ever on Facebook! (all of my store updates, blog stuff,etc is automatically updated to Facebook so I don't have to mess with any of it....or see the new tattoo my ex boyfriend has, or see the new body piercing my 14 yr old has, or the guy my 15 yr old beat up and was suspended from school from....or the uber marijuana joint one of my kids smoked last night...or the new horse and buggy my Mennonite sister got yesterday from a religious-dorks-flea-market get the picture!

I am uber-stoked about my new store and hope it is as successful as my last. I think it will be because I am now selling FAMILY apparel, not just kiddie stuff. I am also selling my home decor my baby sister (who has a Mercedes model horse and buggy from  the Yuppie-Mennonite-Are-Us store) strongly encouraged me to sell. Ok, let's see if this works. The last time I took my yuppie Mennonite sister's advice, I married a guy I met online who used me as a baby machine AND turned out to be a cross dressing I am always leery now to take anyone's advice!

I also have been buying and/or downloading fabulous sewing patterns like a mad woman lately in hopes I can further my sewing techniques coupled with this sewing machine that does everything except clean my house and make coffee. What a tragedy it would be if I didn't use all of it's bells and whistles!!!

That leads me to my primary reason for writing today....hope you haven't gone into a coma yet or clicked off this page yet..... :/

My printer is awesome. It's almost as awesome as some of the clothes I have made for myself lately. But it has a plug...and that means I can ruin it or break it or it can self implode. I get a lot of printer vomit here and there. My husband isn't so happy about it either....after all, the real kind of vomit sends him to his car so he won't instantly vomit himself (I'm glad he didn't use me as a baby machine because that's all babies do....vomit and poop!).

Enjoy, for your viewing pleasure, what I'm talking about below. This is printer vomit. It's of this FANTASTIC pattern I bought from's the link of her patterns. Not only does she have the best patterns ever, and quite worth the price, but she answers her email at stupid times of the night and doesn't laugh at you for your outrageous mistakes (my computer decided to have early onset dementia and "ate" the pattern link for the PDF file I purchased from her). At least I don't think she laughed at me.....

Here is the pattern I got (OMG, I can't wait to get the fabric for it!!!!!!!)....
...and here is what my printer did to her pattern...... :O
look closely....closer, yes, that's like 5 copies of EACH PAGE PATTERN!

....and more on the floor because not all FIVE COPIES of each page fit on the queen size bed!
BTW, the floor is gray, not poop brown....I swear!
As Dana Carvey would say, "Ain't That Special?". (OMG. Dana Carvey is like a funny version of my my middle sister, the Mennonite OG--Original Gansta--,and my mom!!!).

I am still trying to figure out (beyond the obvious) why I have printer vomit a printer needs an excoriation?????

Onto my second reason for posting today....if you are still with me and able to follow my train of thoughts....which regularly derail and stop to refuel......:P

Today's fashion. WOW. I'm not going to harp on it like the Wednesday night Bible study lady at my church does with everything on this planet. Let's just say that lady is like an abstinent version of my sisters and mom.  This lady really, REALLY needs to get laid and take a chill pill......but I digress. I love sexy clothes, looking hot, and fortunately because of my mom, I still possess these fine traits even as a grandmother who is almost 40 years old. But come on people.....I am not going to expose myself even if my new hubby does like me wearing revealing clothes....even outside the house. So what does one do if they are a novice sewer like me, or worse, doesn't sew at all, and don't belong to a nudist camp?! You buy the slutty clothes on the retail rack, go home, chop up the outfit, and hope it actually looks good and fits. That's what I did to the number below.....
the shirt is hanging well below the table because it was rather long

Meet Ms. Swimsuit Coverup. As a coverup, she posses more fabric than the average slutty ensemble on the market today. I love the fabric too. You can't get enough polka dotted knit and if I were to buy it from the fabric store, I wouldn't get this much of it for $9. Polka dots are so hot right now, the fabric stores are having a hard time keeping it in stock and it's pricey least in my secluded corner of the earth!

But Ms. Coverup has a downside....she has NO chest covering. I mean, it's as if this coverup only covers you lower torso and your butt. Hmmmmmm, I need some chest coverage here no matter what look I am going for and for whatever reason i am using the outfit!!!! And folks, I must be the milkman's daughter because unlike everyone in my family on BOTH sides, I am flat chested. So if your slutty outfits you are selling doesn't cover my speed bumps, you need to seriously reconsider the clothing you're selling!!!!

I took the coverup and tried it on...without children present so they wouldn't vomit (here we are talking about vomit again!). I discerned where the shirt will end at my hips and chopped off the bottom. This gave me PLENTY of fabric to play half a yard!
the slutty mu-mu is now shopped in half nearly with the bottom  half gone....

I recreated or copied the top band that had pretty ruffles...the main reason why I loved this shirt. I just took my chest measurement, compared the shirt's measurement in the chest, and made more of that ruffled band to cover up my chest. The ruffled band, by the way, fit in the width, but NOT the length. So, I had to ADD fabric to the top of the shirt so what little I have doesn't fall out and greet people. Seriously, it was waaaay more than just cleavage!

Again, I am just copying the ruffled band and adding the copied panel to the top of the shirt so it appears as if the shirt was made with a longer bodice/breast panel/chest part. It was simple because it is knit. I got ballpoint needles for my sewing machine, threw on that gathering presser foot (or ruffler foot if you are fortunate to have one), and gathered along the fabric. I placed the gather fabric onto a flat, non-gathered panel in horizontal rows...I think I had like 3 or 4 rows. Above you see the original chest/bodice band with black elastic thread running horizontally. I didn't have that color elastic thread (where do you buy it??) so I used my white elastic you see it towards the top. From the front you will not notice. It all looks the same. You can't see where my added panel starts and ends!

I tried on the less slutty mu-mu that is not really a mu-mu now that it hits my hips. It now kinda reminds me of  maternity sleep shirt the Kardashians would wear. :( I have their bodacious ass size, but not the money or the breasts. Time to go back to the sewing machine and shirr that waistline. Mr. Little HATES me wear anything maternity looking!
This was very simple. Again, hand winding the bobbin (keep the top thread normal thread!!!) with elastic thread, and marking the two or three rows of shirring I wanted right under my chest (empire waist), I just sewed right along those lines. With shirring, you must sew with the front (right side) of the fabric facing up, or looking at you while sewing. That way the elastic thread is under the fabric on the wrong side. This will be quite an unsightly project if you don't do this! My top thread was black so you can't see the thread....just the shirring effect. I also had my tension on 2 (I don't even know what it goes up to, but auto is normal sewing and 2 does the trick--and then some!) and the stitch length at 4.5. Normal stitch length for a straight stitch on my machine is 2.5. Again, with knits, you just don't have to work hard on getting it to ruffle. Often it likes to ruffle even when you don't want it to!

I tried on the shirt and admired my work. Sorry, the 10 yr old was NOT interested in taking pictures that day. I promise you it looks stinkin' FABULOUS! I'm so impressed with myself....I had gotten a disappearing fabric marker and marked where my tiny cleavage "crack" was and decided that was where the shirt would come up to. It actually worked! The shirt met the top of my cleavage PERFECTLY! And yet, I don't look like i am joining a convent either because the shirt is still rather low for many people's tastes.

The 10 yr old did help me pin my ruffled straps. I had leftover fabric and didn't like this shirt sleeveless. This is NOT a good idea if you are flat chested and have children young enough that they tug on your clothing and OOPS! Your cute little speed bumps fall out as the shirt is pulled down by your little one. :( (big sad face!).

These straps are more decorative than functional so I didn't mind them loose enough to fall down on my shoulders.

8 inch by 4 inch fabric strips that didn't need to be hemmed as it is they are after ruffled with elastic thread (four rows of shirring short end to short end)....

what they looked like before shirring
The ten year old didn't have an issue pinning the straps to the shirt where my bra straps were. (of course, I will be wear a strapless bra with this shirt, but I wore the strapped one to help the kiddo know where to pin). The 10 yr old very much likes girls and has begun to show interest in all things females wear/use like bras. UGH. We are starting puberty early!

Anyways, that's how you make a slutty shirt classy and fabulous. You will see much better items in my new store. I promise I am carrying clothing for women that have real boobs, not speed bumps. I know I am a freak of nature and most women need clothing that fits curves. :D

Thanks for not passing out with the long post! 

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